Suicide is Painless
by The 13th Jinx
Summary: Songfic. KakaIru. Kakashi is thinking of Iruka, and what would happen if he were to follow him in death. Warning: Character death.


AN: I'm pretty proud of this one... I hope you like it...

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the song "Suicide is Painless.  
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I sit on the floor and lean back against the sofa as the cold metal of the kunai, licking my flesh, leaves me with an unknown sensation of pure bliss. Pleasure unimaginable, not from the pain itself, coming from the cut of which blood is now trickling down my hand and wrist, but rather from the knowledge that if I am to continue this, I'd end all misery and I'd be rescued from the horror man calls life.

---Through early morning fog I see Visions of the things to be---

No more nightmares involving my old teammates, my family, and most of all him. My lover, my koi, a beauty the angels named Iruka, who haunts my dreams with his silk hands, his body closely entwined with mine. His screams of ecstasy, of love, screams I remember from passion filled nights, when he'd let everything go, when he made love to me like none other has ever done before. Those screams, that, when replayed in my mind, always turn into screams of pain and terror, of death.

---The pains that are withheld for me I realize and I can see...---

My shaking hand drops the kunai and replaces it with a bottle of sake, the demon that consumes me, my company on these lonely nights I recall my late lover, these lonely nights when I destroy myself with self mutilation and alcohol, these lonely nights that kill me, when I slowly kill myself, both physically and mentally. As it is on such nights, that I allow myself to wallow in grief. When I feel my life holds no meaning without him. I know he wanted me to live on, I know I would insult his memory if I were to kill myself. Suicide. So tempting, so close yet unreachable, just like he was before we admitted to eachother how we felt.

---That suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please---

I take the kunai again, and add another cut on my left arm, another cut that will heal eventually and join it's brothers in the form of a scar on my skin. Another scar on my arm, those that seem so insignificant to me, compared to the ones in my mind. I have yet to remember how I ever lived without him before, how I survived every day. People that say that it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, have obviously never lost someone this important to them. It hurts, it took away my will to live and now all I want is for the pain to go away.

---The game of life is hard to play I'm gonna lose it anyway---

I feel my arm sting as I lap up all the blood from my arm but it replaces itself steadily. Another swig of sake, I drink faster once the alcohol starts effecting me. The pain in my arm doesn't lessen, it just feels sort of dull now. I put the kunai back on my arm, and press hard as I pull it, ripping open my skin and revealing another bloody cut, red fluid mixing with the rest, covering my lower arm, wrist and hand.

---The losing card I'll someday lay So this is all I have to say---

Said hand moved toward the bottle again, providing me with what I like to call my much needed drug, my alcohol, that always seems to dull pain, whether it be from my chronic self mutilation or from mental destruction caused by losing him, whom the angels named Iruka.

---Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please---

I use my free hand to put a cigarette between my lips and move a lighter to the tip. I take a long drag as I put the lighter down and pull the stick out of my mouth. I let my tired body fall back against the floor. I just lay here, thinking, dreaming of what could happen if I died right here, or an opposite of that, what could have been my life. I could have married Iruka, we could have adopted a child, we could have been a happy family, if I hadn't taken him with me on that mission. Bitch of a hokage! Why couldn't she have just sent one of the other chuunin to do the job! But no, she had to pick Iruka! As I grow angry at her, cut myself again, and stare blankly at the blood, a thought pops up. I could just kill myself right here and now, put the kunai on my wrist or neck, I could stab myself in the heart, it's already broken anyway. I ponder over what could happen if I die, questions resurface as they always do. Where would I go? Maybe I'd disappear, that wouldn't be that bad, I wouldn't know I was dead, If I weren't here anymore to witness it, right?

---The sword of time will pierce our skins It doesn't hurt when it begins---

Or maybe I'd go to some sort of heaven and be with everyone I loved, with Iruka. The thought of being with him again tempts me to slit my wrists and get it over with. But I'm too much of a coward. I fear death as much as I long for it. I don't care about leaving everyone that's still alive, in comparison to the dead they don't mean shit to me, though I care about them, I know they can move on easily.

---But as it works its way on in The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...---

I could have become an avenger like Sasuke, if I hadn't already killed Iruka's murderer in such a brutal and sadistic way I can't describe it. The image of that nameless bastard, ripped to pieces, dying in the dirt and blood of his comrades sometimes brings a slight smile to my face, but it evaporates immediately as that memory brings back a picture of Iruka's corpse.

---Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please---

Maybe I'd come back in a new body, without my current memories and meet his reincarnated form. I imagine seeing him for the first time again, his gentle smile, how I loved that smile. Those lips, I long so much to kiss those lips again, none other, only his.

---A brave man once requested me To answer questions that are key---

Three options if I were to die right now. I disappear, I go to a heaven-ish place and see him again, or I come back to meet him again. I can't find another option and even before I mentally admit to myself death isn't such a bad thing for me, the kunai has already found my wrists. Both my hands are dripping blood now. It intoxicates me, consumes me. I put a finger in the red fluid, even though it doesn't make a difference as it's already covered in blood.

---Is it to be or not to be And I replied 'oh why ask me?'---

I move the finger to the floor and slowly draw the letter "I", pictures of our first encounter flash before my eyes. The letter "R", our first kiss. Letter "U", getting caught making out in a public bathroom. Letter "K", his body squirming beneath me, his moans, his love.

---And suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can take or leave it if I please---

Letter "A", his whispered words of love as he died in my arms on the battlefield, realization that if I were to live on now, I'd wreck myself knowing I'd never be able to hear him say these words again. "I love you too", I quietly answer him. I've never been able to answer him, but I answer now, as darkness consumes me.

---...and you can do the same thing if you please---

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AN: Damn, I actually cried writing the ending... sniff Anyway, please review! 


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